My God the rock in whom i take refuge

"The little world within is, like the great world without, full of confusion and strife; but when Jesus enters it, and whispers "Peace be unto you," there is a calm, yea, a rapture of bliss. Let us turn away from the mournful contemplation of the oppression of man and the present predominance of the wicked, to that sanctuary of pure rest which is found in the God of all comfort."

I like it that Spurgeon terms the secret place "the little world within." It was a turning point in my walk with God when I really began to understand what He meant by the kingdom of God being within me. Why it was ever so difficult to grasp, or why I'd just never really thought about it I don't know. But I remember reading Madame Guyon and, in her motherly way of instruction, having her lovingly point out to me that God was as close to me as the very beating of my heart because He lives as King of His kingdom inside of me. That was a new page in my private times with God. No longer did He seem so distant when I prayed, because now I understood Him to be "abiding in me" and not just floating around in some far away heaven. Jesus was called "God with us" when He came to earth, and because He sent His Spirit when He left, He continues to be "God with us." That's why He could promise us "I will never leave you." What a sacred place, a holy of holies, this "little world within."

Then you took away the clouds that hung like curtains on my eyes

I see the visible scarring, the outward manifestation of deep inward wounds. I also see the light of love, dare I say hope, illuminating their faces. There they hang tenuously in the balance. By a slim thread. When that thread snaps which way will they fall? Which side of the scales will they tip? I'm praying that they will land on the side of love, not anger and hate. "God, give us wisdom in loving them into your truth." It is not too late! The enemy is a liar. Our God saves! I believe that with all my heart. He saves! The enemy has done a good job in blinding them and keeping them that way, but our God is able to tear down and completely destroy all that satan has built up around them and bound them with. It's coming! To each of them, it's coming---the glory of His love breaking through and reaching them in the depths of their darkness! They will see and they will understand and they will reach out to Him and His offer of salvation and unconditional love. I believe that with every particle of my being. Oh, how He loves them!

And I'm grateful that I feel Him drawing me closer to His heart.

Things that go bump in the night and other noises

Last night I had a visitor, and no, I don't mean Lily---however, she did visit me too. Her visit was at 2:00 a.m.; my other visit was earlier. I was in the midst of dreaming about CH teens, a carryover I'm sure, when in "it" came, creeping around and trying to flex its little devilish muscles in an attempt to intimidate and terrorize. Whatever. I made a mental note ("Hmm. Sounds like a demon trying to intimidate and terrorize. Or it could be Lily.") and drifted right back into a room full of silly teenagers. Then came the really intentional "the door is now opening" noise. This, of course, required a more pro-active response. Something like sitting bolt upright in bed! This is usually the response I have when children come roaming around in the middle of the night. Or when an evil entity enters my room. It is not a reaction to intimidation and terror. So there I am, freshly jarred from an unconscious state, peering into the dark and trying to assess if what's going on in my conscious world is demonic spiritual activity or a 4-year-old needing to pee. Okay, demon activity. Nothing heavy duty...just a constant barrage bent on giving me restless and interrupted sleep. My cell phone battery begins to beep. Soon Lily comes wandering in. Then John wakes up sick and leaves. Then he comes back. Then my phone alarm goes off. (I didn't know it could do that if it was turned off.) Then it's time to make a decision. Do I get up for my time in the secret place or do I catch up on all that lost sleep? There is only one option. Thank God for coffee. The battle is on and I have no intention of being defeated by little door opening devils.

I must have lost my mind

I don't understand it. Why would I voluntarily agree to place myself in the CH teen class on a weekly basis, pray tell? I've dealt with kids every day, all day long, for over twenty years. Why would I want to do that at church, and with kids I can't even beat?! And what's even more mind boggling, I actually enjoyed last night's class! I can't believe that I can use the word "enjoyed" in describing that experience. (I know, I know--it's only been one week. Wait until it's been months and months and months of all that teen drama. Just wait! I'm sure that post is forthcoming.) I honestly thought that my days of being directly involved with teens were over, and after watching the weekly chaos I was, quite frankly, overjoyed that they were! Don't get me wrong, I love teenagers, but just thinking about all the energy expended on them every week wore me out. I was glad that I wasn't the one having the life blood drained out of me every Wednesday! But whatever. I don't think I will ever be able to escape my past, because it always leads me back to an unsaved 17-year-old girl whose whole heart and life were miraculously transformed by a patient and loving God. I see her and I am reminded that God can do anything. He can save the unsaveable. He will! Oh, but where are the people who will stand in the gap and contend for their souls? I would like that to be someone else's job. Or perhaps I'd like to take it before God on occassion and feel justified that I'm doing my part. But God is calling out for intercessors who will find His heart. Prayer warriors who won't be satisfied until the Father-heart of God is burning within them. I'm not there yet. I know, in my mind, that that is where I need to be, but I'm still praying through to the place where seeing the salvation of teens, and every soul, becomes an all-consuming desire. That is the missing element in my spiritual life and one that only God can impart. So I ask and I wait. I know it will come. And I long for the sweetness of that new season.

How about you get off the ventilator?

I did learn one new thing this weekend: sometimes there's nothing more to learn.

At some point you've simply got to do it.

I've looked for Him in the spectacular; I've found Him in the mundane--in the ordinariness of life

"If, as Herod, we fill our lives with things, and again with things; if we
consider ourselves so unimportant that we must fill every moment of our lives
with action, when will we have the time to make the long, slow journey across
the desert as did the Magi? Or sit and watch the stars as did the shepherds? Or
brood over the coming of the child as did Mary? For each one of us, there is a
desert to travel. A star to discover. And a being within ourselves to bring to
life."

--Author Unknown--

the beginning...a very fine place to start

I'm on a quest to find my authentic self. It's a journey I've gotten very serious about since sometime around June--about the time I turned 44. It's funny how you hit a certain place in life and suddenly feel the need to evaluate your existence. That's where I'm at. I've come a long way since the summer, but I've still got a very long way to go. I thought I knew who I was and what I was all about. Come to find out, I was wrong. Sort of. I mean, I wasn't altogether wrong, it's just that there is much more to me than I'd ever stopped to consider.

There is freedom in truth. Truth sets us free. I'm sure that's why discovering who I really am in Him is so liberating. That is my authentic self. The me He created me to be.